I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life.
I’ve never shared this with anyone, but as I got closer to graduating, I became less and less sure and secure about what it was I was gonna do afterward. I had no idea.
I couldn’t articulate that to anyone then. I know that on the surface, to someone else looking at me from a distance, it’s logical to graduate and get a good job, marry, start a family and live. And truthfully, I had those aspirations in my heart and mind, like most other people–it’s the arc, the full circle of life as we know it.
I still harbor those feelings, those wants, and dreams. But, even then, as a much younger guy with no real-world experience in both life and career, and so little to offer to a woman but a “promise,” I knew I would have to put off those aspirations for awhile, for such awhile that I didn’t truly know or have a firm idea when or at what point in my life that I would eventually settle down.
I truly felt there was something in me that was different or distinct and was building and festering and forming, but what it was or the form it would take I had no idea. I didn’t want to marry, start a family and embrace the responsibilities of those monumental steps when I was so disenchanted inside, not nearly whole inside, not truly “ready” as a “man in full” to be the man that you so richly deserved, that your family truly deserved me to be.
I loved your family, God knows. You had, have, both your parents who love you dearly. I saw that right away and didn’t take that for granted. They are special people. Very special. I realized that in order for me to be able to look into your father’s eyes man to man and have him respect me and bless me with you, I would have to step up, without equivocation, without any reluctance, with a firmness and readiness that he would understand, embrace and respect.
That’s what I wanted to be able to give to you and them. And you definitely–by far!–deserved that. But I also knew that I wanted a career, a life work, that I would be fulfilled and happy in, so that I could be in position to bring that happiness and fulfillment home, not bitterness or resentment or disenchantment from having life dictate its terms to me based on decisions I had made out of circumstance.
I had no idea I would be an entrepreneur. Even what you see now with regard to my work is the result of the life I’ve lived–both real and imagined/created–up to this point. The many mistakes I’ve made, the many disappointments I’ve been dealt, the defeats and hurts . . . they’re now coming to the fore in the form you see. But even that is out of necessity.
Out of desperation.
This is the final push for me, an attempt at entrepreneurship because it’s what my heart and soul burn for–and I’ve tried and failed at nearly everything else. I’ve never married nor had kids because I just haven’t made time for that part of my life to develop. I wouldn’t have been good for you then and the subsequent years thereafter; I wasn’t whole.
My decision to go away without closure, to go away period, certainly wasn’t you or anything you’d done. You frankly are a precious jewel–always. You were the most precious and tender and lovely woman that’s graced my life. I saw some of the more recent photos–I swear, you are even more beautiful now as then. Your babies are the image of you: smart, respectful, handsome, beautiful and kind. You are blessed. Beyond.
I’m still finding my way. My work is not done. In many respects, I think I’ve made my work my life, good or bad, you know?
I feel I don’t have a right to ask for your forgiveness. You’ve gone on, we’ve gone on. And you’ve been blessed with a beautiful family. He’s fortunate.
God has kept you. As I prayed he would.
I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. Forgive me the hurt and my transgression.
Regret. Redemption. Romance.
© 2014 Romance by Rg2®